I just wrote a whol post and now it is gone, somehow my internet got unplugged and as i was submitting i had no connection. Now i cant be bothered to re-type it all. In otherwords. I had a strange weekend. Been very teatful. Will elaborate at a later date.

My birthday

Sorry it has been a few days. I headed home for my Birthday which was saunday and Matt doesn't have internet right now. I managed not to cry all the way back here on the train. But getting into my room and feeling the loneliness that comes with it started me off and I have been crying on and off for the past hour. I wish I wasn't.

I went to the doctors on Thursday and the doctor told me I have mild anxiety. He won't put me on anything cause when I am home I am fine and I am moving home in 18 days so there is no point really. He gave me a book which I have read and am trying to take on board. Its a self-help kinda book.

I weighed myself when I was home. Scales said 117lbs. Im happy cause I had got up to 120lbs the other week. I wanna get to 115 then I think I will be more comfortable.

I had a really nice birthday. Matt made me bacon sarnies for breakfast and then I went to see family. In the afternoon me and my brother went to see Matt play football for the FireService. It was a lovely afternoon just sat out in the sun. Then in the evening me and Matt went for dinner at a really nice resturant/pub and afterwards all my friends met us down there for some drinks. I really didn't think I drank that much but woke up with a headache the next morning. So maybe more then I thought. I have 3 long day's at the hospital and then on friday nights I am on a train home. wont get back till about 10pm but I can't wait.

Before I move home everyday off I have I am home except for 1 in the middle so my younger sister is gonna come up for the day. I am gonna pay her trainfare as I have asked her to come cause I need her company. I don't do days alone very well. I get very sad.

If anyone actually reads this then I hope they are well.

Back In London

So i'm back in the big city. I can't really say I am happy about it though. There where a few tears. I accidently had Matt's ipod in my bag, that made me cry and it also has our song on it, I couldn't resist a listen and that also made me cry. Stupid hormones!

It is mine and Matts 18month anniversary today. The longest I have been in a steady relationship with no break ups or time apart from each other to think about the relationship. I can positively say without a doubt that it has been the best 18 months of my life. I love him with all my heart. More then I even though it was possible for one person to love another. We didn't do anything to celebrate it as it is not a big anniversary and its my birthday in 6 days. But he had a few hours off from the fire service so we went to matalan and tescos and I got some new tops. It was nice just to go out. To do something. After that he took me to the fire station to show me around, I was like a little kid :) it was great lol. Then we cuddled in the afternoon till he took me to the station. He just help me in his arms, it's my faveourite place to be.

On sunday I spent the morning with my dad, took my two brothers for a walk to the lake and bought the eldest an ice cream after he had fed the ducks. It was so cute :) Then in the afternoon I met Matt and his friend s at the pub. We sat outside as it was a really beautiful day and watched the cricket. I drank shandys and got a bit happy lol. In all honesty I never drink larger so it does not take much to have an effect on me. But i got sunburnt on one arm. Oh dear.

Placement starts tomorrow. Im really looking forward to it. Maybe not so much the 5.50am wake up but being back on the ward will be great. Im happy when I am on placement. The 12.5 hour day might shock me a bit as I have not been on placement since the end of February. But placement goes really quickly so it will be great. My only problem is that I can't really get to sleep till about 12am so will not be getting as much sleep as I would have liked. Oh Well.

5 sleeps till I am home again.

So after my last entry I decided that life was too short to be too worried to have sex  And we did it yesterday and today, both times Matts' beeper went off and I didn't mind and I won't worry again. Because It's going to happen and I am not going to stop my life or what I Love doing for the beeper. If it doesn't worry Matt why should it worry me?

My younger brother has just been diagnosed as having coeliac disease. As he has only just seen a dietician we have not changed his diet as we have to wait for some foods on prescription. But looking on all the websites makes me sad. There are so many foods he can no longer eat, I know it's for the best and will make him better and he will actually grow now. But it's going to be so hard for him as he is so young. He is only 5 and loves all these foods he can no longer have. Eating out is now a problem and every single food bought has to be checked. Its going to be such hard work for my dad.

I had an oppertunity to go to the gym today but It would have been in the time I spend with my dad so I said no. I will start going when I have moved home as I can go in the mornings when Matt is at work.

Look at this, I have actually updated 2 days in a row now

I didn't do mcuh today. Just watched criminal minds season finale on youtube. Went to have a shower but the boiler had gone so I had to wash my hair with freezing cold water. It was not fun. The worst brain freeze ever, lol. Had a lazy lunch of chicken supernoodles. Was not in the mood to cook. Then it was dads' this evening. My step-siblings drive me mad. i love them but they really test my patience. Bentley accidently hit me in the mouth with his cast. It hurt but I am not bruised so its fine.

Just watching Bones now, love that show. A brennan and Booth baby would be so cute.

Will probably not get chance to update again till after the weekend as I am with Matt weekend and his internet is not working.

Take care all

Updates

I have meant to update more. I have wanted to update more. I have no real excuse.

Yesterday, all being well I had my last exam of the academic year  Lets just hope that I don't have to resit any of my exams. The teaching is over. I now have a 10 week placement on a childrens cardiac ward. Its going to be tough as I have to work from 07.00-20.00 and it wears you out. But this is what I want to do, I want to be a paediatric nurse so I have to get used to it. And although it may be exhausting, when I am there I absoloutly love it and the time goes by so quickly.

Matt has finished his training and is now a retained firefighter for East Preston station. Im so proud of him. The only thing is, we can't do that much anymore as he needs to be near the fire station. So no random trips out anymore. I was in the car the other day with him when his beeper went off and ended up on a trip to the fire station. It was quite fun, lol. Plus we don't have as  much sex.. When he moves to East Preston on 06/06 then I think we will have more. It's just that I get worried that we are going to be in the middle of  it and then his beeper will go off. And he is just so tired at the moment. He works at sainsburys from 05.00-13.00 and then is on call from 13.00-04.00 the next morning. He is shattered bless him. But he is working so hard becuase this is what he wants. He has to complete a 20 month probation period and then he can apply to be a wholetime firefighter.

I was supposed to stay living in London untill 31st July but I have been so unhappy, feeling sick and crying all the time when I am up there that I have decided to move home on the 20th June. I know it will leave me even more shattered on placement as I will have to get the 05.33 train to get me to the hospital on time. But to not be crying all the time it will be worth it. Being unhappy is so exhusting.

I currently weigh in at 118lbs. Its my highest for a long time. But its only 8 1/2 stone. Im the smallest of most of my friends. And Im happy. Ok so I wish my weight was a little bit less but I refuse to go back to Bulimia. Im going to try to eat better and work out. When I move back I am going to sign up to a gym.

The other week I was studying mental health and I realised that I was actually rather depressed. I want to change that. I want to have a more positive outlook on life and not be so 'glass half empty' anymore. I am not going to start obsessing over my weight as that makes me unhappy. When I met Matt I was about 108 and I was unhealthy. All his friends thought I was too skinny and his family thought I could do with putting a few lbs on. I believe that if I can work out and tone up a bit then I will look good but also healthy.

My little brother broke his wrist last friday. He was supposed to go on holiday with our grandparents on saturday but the airline would not let him fly. Poor little thing.

Me and Matt from our holiday to Cornwall last August. Next monday (25th) we will have been together 18 months. He is my rock. He constantly tells me how proud he is off me. And it is for him that I stopped being sick. I am lucky to have someone who cares about me as much as he does. I love him.

I will try to update more often.